Dark

DARK

wake.
i wake
this day,
a hard task.
i know i must.
words can’t describe…
i can’t stay in bed for eternity,
no matter how bad the darkness
tries to hold me here and pull me down.
i have him, though, to help me do this thing.
i know he’ll be the first thing my eyes see,
i know his voice will be the first i hear,
and this gives me strength to face my
day…a day that will start strong
and slowly go downhill,
so by the time i go to
bed, that strength
has seeped out.
night is good,
sleep comes,
and for a
little bit
i’m free
again.
free.

why?
must i?
just go on?
each day harder
than the day before,
a little darker, deeper
inside me it lurks and i
really wish i could give in
and let it take me from living
in this world for even one more
day…i hide it well, no one knows
how hard it is to wear this mask and
be who they want me to be. i hate
being that person, but i hate this
person, this shell i am, as well.
so what are my options? do
i go on living, dreaming of
hope, waiting for peace,
knowing it won’t come?
or do i one day just let
it have its way and i
don’t open my eyes
when he comes to
wake me up to
start my day,
just once
more,
just once
more,
just once…

more.

more.

more time,
another day.
it didn’t get me
in my sleep,
so now i
go on
with
no
hope.

i do.
i hope.
i have him.
i have hope.
i have my life,
i have my family,
i have my friends.
so why does it grasp
so tight? it won’t let go
and it just grasps on tighter
until i can’t breathe. that’s why
i take my yellow pill. my best friend.
one pill and my breath returns so that i
can live. so that i can smile and do
what people expect me to do, to be
what people want me to be, to give
what i’m expected to give.
and the night comes back
and with it the pill stops.
the tightness is back.
my chest hurts, but
not like that. not
a medical way,
just a way
i don’t
want
so
i…

sleep.

stop.
i’m there.
it’s that point
where i don’t want
to do this anymore and
i’m ready to not wake to
the sound of his voice, and
i don’t want to see his face when
i wake up. there’s no strength this time.
no light, no hope, no smile, nothing works
anymore. it’s time to end the charade. for the heart
it was a remedy, but it doesn’t work anymore. the heart
knows. the heart hurts. but when what was once light starts
to become a part of the dark, it’s a bad thing. a very bad thing
that i recognize needs to be stopped. i don’t know how to
stop this thing, though. and is it really him? is it just me?
do i do this because i don’t want that light anymore, or
do i do it because it’s true that the light is gone? gone
from my heart, from my…everything. i just don’t know.
how can i get through my day, living day by day,
existing just because it’s what i’m supposed to to,
if now i have to worry about what will happen
to him.
him.
if…

sigh

wake.
no choice.
i can’t end it.
i never would.
that’s not a way out.
i don’t know if there is
a way out, but i know that
isn’t it and that it will just take
what is in me and spread it to people
i love. so i go on living the way i do,
waiting for night to fall just so i can
go back to sleep. close my eyes.
dream. no darkness there.
just a world full of…
something. something
i really want, but i don’t
know what it is. i wish
i knew. i really do.
if i knew, i could
find it out here.
i could live
happy, or
at least
away
from
the…

dark.

wake.
i wake
this day,
a hard task.
i know i must.
words can’t describe…
i can’t stay in bed eternally,
no matter how bad the darkness
tries to hold me here and pull me down.
i have him, though, to help me do this thing.
i know he’ll be the first thing my eyes see,
i know his voice will be the first i hear,
and this gives me strength to face my
day…a day that will start strong
and slowly go downhill,
so by the time i go to
bed, that strength
has seeped out.
night is good,
sleep comes,
and for a
little bit
i’m free
again.
free.

why?
must i?
just go on?

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